Karla Olson, a 51-year-old mother of three in Park City, Utah, is working on creating what sheu2019s calling the Empty Nester Club. She plans to develop an online community on the video-communication app Marco Polo, and hopes local branches will form around the country for in-person meetups. For Olson, itu2019s all about creating a community that will encourage others in middle age to develop new interests or businesses.
Jen Mannu2014a humor writer and author of Midlife Bites: Anyone Else Falling Apart, Or Is It Just Me?u2014couldnu2019t agree more about the need to create a sense of community in the midlife years. Finding and keeping friends at this stage in life also is essential in combatting loneliness.
Mann knows this feeling all too well as she found it hard to break into established friend groups in her Kansas City, KS, neighborhood. So, she and a friend created a monthly get-together called u201cMidlife with Moxie,u201d with activities including a Christmas-lights tour and poetry readings. At first it was scary because Mann wondered what if no one came. But she never had no one come.
Establishing friendships doesnu2019t have to entail grand gestures. Sending someone an article or funny video that makes you think of them shows you care.
Because texting or calling can feel time-consuming and exhausting, you could send a voice memo, as wellu2014especially since it may be easier for you and more personal for them to hear your voice. You can use your voice-memo app or the voice feature found in many messaging apps.
u201cWhatever it is,u201d Mann said, u201cmake the first move. Ultimately, the best way to make friendsu2014even just one or twou2014is to leave your house. You have to put on pants and go somewhere. But you can also reach out through your phone.u201d
If youu2019re looking for help, sometimes you may need to bounce ideas off of a professional counselor.
The reality of feeling lonely
Loneliness is a reality for many middle-aged people. While thereu2019s no magic wand to fix that lonely feeling, there are things you can do to make new friends, and to rekindle or sustain the friendships you already have. For all the strategies, you have to take initiativeu2014and be vulnerable, said Julie Jargon, Family & Tech columnist at the Wall Street Journal.
u201cWhen our kids are little, we teach them to approach other children on the playground and ask to be their friend,u201d Jargon said. u201cAdults need to do the sameu2014without being so literal, of course. Iu2019ve made some good friends by chatting with other parents at my neighborhood park.u201d
There are also ways to reach out to strangers virtually. For example, a woman in Texas posted a request for friends on a Facebook page for moms in her town. More than 200 women responded, saying theyu2019d like to meet her. Another woman who read Jargonu2019s column and then posted to the local social-networking site Nextdoor asked if anyone else in their Berkeley, CA, neighborhood would like to form a group for dinners and trivia nights.
Being vulnerable is key
u201cIt requires vulnerability to do this, but if you donu2019t ask, you donu2019t receive,u201d said Jillian Richardson, author of Un-Lonely Planet: How Healthy Congregations Can Change the World.
Richardson facilitates friendships in New York, using what she calls the Joy List, a free weekly newsletter of meetups. A recent study found that nearly half of Americans have three or fewer close friendsu2014and the trend toward fewer friends has grown considerably in the past few decades.
u201cWhen considering asking someone to go out as a friend, keep in mind that, statistically speaking, that person is probably desperate for connection and youu2019re giving them a gift by asking them out,u201d Richardson said.
It requires vulnerability to do this, but if you donu2019t ask, you donu2019t receive
Be social, minus the media
Social media doesnu2019t necessarily cause loneliness, but many people said platforms such as Facebook and Instagram can make loneliness feel worse.u00a0
Kat Vellos, a friendship coach and author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships suggests inviting friends to take a social-media break with you, agreeing to spend the time you might have used scrolling on Instagram having a phone call instead.
Create a routine
If thereu2019s something you need or like to do each day, such as walking your dog, try doing it at the same time, said Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship coach. Youu2019ll probably notice the same people out at the same time and have ample opportunity to strike up a conversation.
Bayard Jackson advises maintaining a distance and even beginning the conversation by explaining that youu2019ll stay a few feet away if you sense the other person is nervous about getting too close.
Jargon tends to go hiking and visit the park with her family at regular times. They often see the same people out, some of whom have become friends.
u201cIu2019ve found that people with dogs talk to more people than people without dogs, so your four-legged friend can be an instant conversation starter,u201d Jargon said.
Bayard Jackson also suggests that people who want to meet new friends keep their phones out of sight while out walking, and not wear earbuds, to signal that theyu2019re open to conversation.
You have to go to the grocery store anyway, why not shop at the same time as a friend?
Try a friendship matchmaking site
People turn to matchmaking sites to find romantic partners, so why not do the same to find friends? If youu2019d like to explore this option, there are several sites, including Bumble BFF, Meetup, and Friended.
When setting up a profile on such apps, Bayard Jackson suggests being as specific as possible about your interests and about what youu2019re seeking in a friendship. This will improve your odds of attracting the right people.
u201cResearch from dating apps shows thatu00a0matching algorithms favor positive language,u201d Bayard Jackson said, u201cso itu2019s important to list the things you like and not the things you donu2019t like. If you start messaging with a potential match, ask questions to show your interest and keep the conversation flowing.u201d
Rethink the hangout
One reason many busy parents donu2019t see friends as often as theyu2019d like is because the very idea of planning outings can feel daunting. They have the idea in their minds of happy hours and long brunches, and many people donu2019t feel they have time for that.
However, they might have time to go on errand dates with friends. This recent trend has gained popularity on social media sites, and makes good sense, according to Bayard Jackson.
u201cYou have to go to the grocery store anyway,u201d she said. u201cWhy not shop at the same time as a friend?u201du00a0
Book time
Weu2019ve all been in the situation where we run into a friend and say, u201cWe should get together,u201d but then no one plans anything. Friendship experts recommend booking friend dates right when the topic arises, or even entering recurring meetups into your calendar.
If getting together in person is too difficult, you can book time each month for a video call with friends. Bayard Jackson said having a purpose for the meeting can help, like discussing a book or podcast.
Do the little things
If you donu2019t find groups that resonate with your interests, research events in your area then invite people to attend. You can also create your own event.u00a0
Whatever you do, donu2019t give up, Jargon said. No person is an island. We need each other.
If youu2019re looking for help, sometimes you may need to bounce ideas off of a professional counselor.
Reference
Jargon, Julie. u201cHow to Find and Keep Friends: A Guide for Middle Age.u201d Wall Street Journal. Jan. 29, 2020. Retrieved from https://www.wsj.com/articles/being-a-parent-is-lonelyheres-how-to-find-and-keep-friends-in-2022-11643465968